i-miss-you-lots.blogspot.com

2007-11-30T20:36:00.000+08:00

go to my new blog.
http://my-cursed-music.blogspot.com
Tag me too!~

2007-11-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

What the FUCK!
Today is so damn unlucky!
Why is it so?
I hate Hate HATE today.
Nothing is good today.

Phone spoil, computer spoil,
and I've disappoint my hubby.
How can I do that?
How can all these things happen in just one day?
I really dislike today.
FUCK LARHS!~

I really need a spare phone;
WHO HAVE A SPARE ONE TO LEND!?

Hubby, I don't mean to hurt you today.
I want to help you.
I am trying to now.
My phone is spoilt, it just stalls me.
WTF today have been.
Neverminds, I will get that for you somehow.
I won't let you be auto-pilot to destruction.
I love you, and don't wish you to be hurt.

I'm very very vexed. A best time for psychedelic trance.
FUCK LARHS~

Anyways, something today amused me.
I went online and listen all kinds of music.
[[practically not all]]
Learn other DJs' styles work..
It was kind of fun though..
Hmms, but it's not going to cheer me up.

My brother made my day worser.
He kept saying I'm not a good sister.
Well, I don't care.
If he doesn't like it, it's his business. NOT MINE!
He have to accept the way I am.
I'm not going to change because of him.
Wait till he's 15 and he'll face the same problems as me!
I AM FUCKED UP BY MY FAMILY!
I HATE THEM A LOT

I want to be loved.
I want to love someone.
I am doing that now.
But I don't understand why,
I feel this emptiness in me.
I don't know why...

I don't believe in god but PLEASE!!
I really need something to bless me,
so that all the bad luck will just go away.
I don't want to cause other people bad luck.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A JINX!!

Why is it so my life is like that?
I hate it!!

2007-11-06T17:48:00.000+08:00

I really hate the life I'm living right now.
I have to use other people's computer,
and beg hem to let me use their own coms.
How pathetic I am..

I need to suffer like this for a year,
after my 'O' levels,
things will give a BIG change.

It's always after graduation
I will get the things I wanted and wished for.
I don't udnerstand why.
Why can't I get the things I wished for immediately?
Why everyone can and I can't?
Is there something wrong with me?
What The Fuck! I hate my life.
I really really hate my life.

I have to go for a counselling session tomorrow.
It's at 10am; it clashes with my rememdial class.
I also have to go for my NPCC briefing.
Tomorrow is damn tight!
I don't like my cca.
It's always so MESSY in the way they handle things.
There is no standardised method in handling situations,
no standardised way in holding meetings. Haiz..
That's life, everything is too flexible.
Now, I understand why,
aeroplanes can even explode during its flight.
People are too MESSY in their thinking...

I feel so sorry and useless to my hubby.
He is there when I need him.
I'm not there when he needs me.
Hmms, why am I this way?
I shouldn't be that way.
I cannot let my relationship affect the way I think.
Hmms, you can say that I'm selfish.
But, it's my way of life.
Accept that or not,
it's up to you..

2007-11-06T10:39:00.000+08:00

My computer is broken down
and I have to keep using my dad's computer,
in secrecy..

Hmms, I don't know why,
I miss him so much than all other days.
I really want him by my side.

I have decided to quit that job.
But, it's not so soon that I'm quiting it.
It will be like next year?
I need to concentrate on my 'O'.

I am not sure how my life will be in this holiday.
Mood swings are frequent during this holiday.
I can stare into space for 10hours,
not moving, not eating, not sleeping,
and crying at the same time.
Sometimes, abusing myself is common during this period.
PAIN is too common.

I have no feeling to go study anymore.
I don't have the determination to do well.
The hurt in me is too much.
I can't take that anymore!!
[don't mistake: hubby is always with me de..]

I'm feeling too emotionless.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm not sure what I want to do.
I'm too bored at home.
My phucking parents doesn't like me going out,
so forbid me to go out.
I really have nothing to do.
I'm too BORED!!

2007-11-05T13:07:00.000+08:00

Slept late last night.
However, I feel energised in the morning.
All thanks to him.
I have to wake him up.

It was like this.
I woke up at 6.35am.
My phone showed 6.50am.
I thought I will be waking him up late AGAIN!
I hopped off my head,
and I called him immediately.
Hahas!~ He knew that was coming.
He was awake before me.
That made me energised.
Hahas!~ I'm laughing now.

I came to know this person called Justin.
I don't know who is he.
Neither do I remember giving my hp no to him.
Hmms, surprisingly, both of us hit well.
Hahas!~ He's a Leo; I'm a virgo.
Sometimes I think, is he wooing me?
I get that feeling somehow..

A maths class today was damn boring.
My concentration retention is low today.
I can't be focused in one thing.
Mrs Ambika was writing things on the board
and I was just listening and feeling bored.
It's all basics she thought the previous lesson.
Haiz. I get the concept. It's just the TERMS!!

Maths teacher told me that she was disappointed with me.
Well, I'm not going to care.
All I know is that, I want to realise my dreams.
I asked Cindy on air-stewardess thingy
and it turned out that, I need to work on something.
My weight, my skin color and my attitude of life.
As for the attitude of life,
my hubby told me that I can't take stress.
Sure he understands me well.. hahas!~

The bookshop auntie once again, didn't recruit me in.
Haiz. I've been waiting so long. I don't think there will be work for me.
Zzzzz....

I met hubby today, we went to a void deck.
He was asking me where we want to go
and what we're gonna do.
Hmms, I'm not sure myself.
My emotions tends to be wild during the holidays.
Mood swings are like hurricanes.
My world will be like a storm.

We sat there for hours, listening to music.
Hahas!~ Our favourite marhs..
He kept scaring me of that roach!
Hmms, I'm scared of that, and it's not that overwhelming in my heart.
He knew that I'm sensitive on my neck.
He kept doing actions near the neck,
I felt a sense of itchness out of a sudden.
Hahas!~

I kept fiddling with his buttons.
Almost unbutton it too.
It was in the public. Hahas~
I'm too daring.. DAREDEVIL!!

There was this cat, she kept ignoring me.
But when hubby tried to coax her,
she responded to him. Hmms, that's wierd.
Perhaps, I don't have a way to cats
and he have. Hahas!~

I know what he wants when we were in a 4storey block.
It's just that I don't want to label it out.
Hahas!~ Sometimes, it's thrilling this way.

On our way home, he was cheerful though.
But, he was hiding something.
Can sense that. He's someone I'm very close to.
A pillar in my life.

There is something I want to voice out to HIM.
[pss.. HIM is not the GOD]
Hubby, I love you always.
You make me remember you.
You make me love you and feel love at the same time.
And created an impact in my life.
I want to be with you,
of all moments of life,
in all paths that we've crossed together,
and the things we created for each other..

MOST IMPORTANTLY: YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE IN MY HEART

2007-11-04T19:23:00.000+08:00

3 November '07

My day started at 1pm.
I was sleeping and woken up at the same time
by my brother,
after his countless efforts of waking me up.

My dad wanted to bring my brother and I
to a restaurant to eat.
My first reaction was..
Why does he want to do that?
Doesn't he love me anymore?
Aren't we're strangers?
Aren't I'm an outcaste?
What does he want?
Didn't he said he wash his hands off me?
I don't know what he is thinking,
I just went for it for my brother's sake.

Sometimes I can sense that,
my dad is using my brother as a substitute for me.
He wants my brother to let him feel the times I had with my dad.
And the laughter I gave to him.
He can claim that he set my brother as a priority,
but in his heart, he is waiting for my answer to be his top priority.

From the time I stepped out of the house
to the time when I had a meal with my dad,
there was no sentence or word spoken to each other.

Well, we talked after meal,
I was feeling happier..
I felt love at the same time too.

How I do that?
The reason I think should be is..
I was able to let go some of my grudges.
It felt better though. xDD

_________________________________

My phone card ran out of $$.
I can't sms anymore.
I really do miss him.
I also need it for work.
Haiz, my communication of the world has been cut.
My computer has failed me.
It died 3 days ago.

Sometimes, you may have difficulties reading my post.
Use your CM to link them. That should work.
Eg.
"My computer has failed me."
It meant that I couldn't use MSN to connect with the outside world.
How it is linked to the communication has broken down?
My phone card has no more $$, can't call or sms.
No MSN to connect to people.
Now, try to make sense..

Perhaps, one missing element to understand my post is
to understand me. No one really understands me well.
Except for one? HIM.

I have given thoughts of my life.
What do I really want?
Should I continue with him?
Why is it always ME that my mom is upset about?
How should I react in different situations?
What are the personalities that I desire?
What do I really like and hate?
Do I really detest the world a lot?
Why is it I am this way now?
Why am I feeling tortured by my past?
Do I really need to cry just because of my past?
The UPSET I feel now, why is it affecting me?
Why I am so indecisive?
Why I am lack of so many important traits?
Why can't I be happy with others?
Why can't I let go of my upset past?
Why everything is trapped in my heart?
What are the things that I can't let go?
What am I doing?

There are many questions I asked myself.
But, it would be a long list of it.
I could only answered some of the questions.
The guilt and fear I felt last year were brought to this year.
I let it haunt me as I was too depressed.
That's why I am upset about my past.
That's why I can't let go of my past.
That's why I can't be truely happy with others.
That's why I don't know what am I doing.
That's why I am letting it affecting it.
That's why I am this way.
That's why I am crying.
That's why I feeling tortured.
That's why I detest the world a lot.

Should I continue with him?
Yes, I should.
I could only experience true happiness
when I'm with him.
I can laugh without faking with him.
And I feel, I can make an impact for both our lives.

There are many good traits I've lost together with my smile.
I'm trying to retrieve it back.
I did retrieve some.
And gained something new at the same time.
My mind is much more focused when I'm in "work"

I feel that I shouldn't say too much to people.
I find it too irritating when the words spread.
Keeping quiet, an effective tool to protect oneself.
Let my emotions talk to people,
and not my mouth.

I want $$, career and a family of my own.
I want my dreams to be fulfilled.
I desire more REWARDS and less EFFORTS.
What career I want?
Business, Design(IT/MUSIC/CLOTHES), Service(AIR STEWARDESS)
These are the 3 things I can go to.
They are suited in my working values.
HIGH INCOME, SOMETHING THAT SUIT MY INTEREST

Practically, I've sorted out my thoughts in MYSELF barrier.
As for my family, I haven't sorted that out.
I need time for it. That concern 3 people.
My mom, dad and me.

As for my relationship,
I have sorted it out.
There is still a year we both need to wait.
Maybe, we should keep a distance for the time being barhs?
After my 'O', we meet our parents and be officially together.
If we really meant to be together, let that be a test.
We can still talk and go out like what we used to.
Just that, we have to keep a 'distance' away barhs.
It is a very tough decision I made.
I love him.
I can't bear to leave him.
I want to be with him every moment that is given.

My studies have been settled.
I'm more focused in what I am doing.
I do not need to worry that.
The only thing I need to worry is my prelim results.
And the 'O' results. I need to get 10>

My routine? Hahas!~ I've given thought of that too.
I should sleep before 12am so that I don't have eyebags and panda eyes.
I wake up before 10am in the holidays
and 5.45am during school days.
Next year, I might be coming home at 5pm everyday.
So, I will study at 8pm till 11pm.
If I'm in the night study programme,
I will be home at 9pm.
I will just take a rest
and resume my study at 5am.
It's kind of stressful
and requires a lot of discipline.
I'm using the spirit I have in the first 5 months of '07.
Even though I'm stressed, I get it through
and the quality of work is GOOD too.
That is what I call, GOOD DISCIPLINE.
xDD

The emotions in me are wild.
I feel so emotionless.
I don't feel happy, neither do I feel sad.
I feel emptiness and fullness at the same time.
I can be worried for my mom and not too.
I feel both the opposites.
Now, only music can solve me problems..

2007-11-02T20:05:00.001+08:00

I am so irritated.
My brother kept on saying all the things that I didn't do,
and made my mother so tensed up.

I didn't do anything wrong.
And they kept saying I did!
Whatever!~ I'm not going to care.
Everything I do, I'm labelled as I'm wrong.

I'm not going to talk to my brother ever!
He always add fuel to the oil,
whenever something happens at home.

He also thinks for himself only.
Never think of mummy.
He wants to have fun,
and ignore the rest.

I'm not saying that I am not like this.
I admit I am.
I also used ways to prevent my mom from getting hurt.
But, whatever I've done,
are not recognised as GOOD.

Nothing seems good in my life.
Childhood, teenhood or any part of my life.
The only good times I had was,
when I'm with him.
I had nothing to worry, except will my parents know about us?

I've been slacking.
I have no mood to do anything.
We have to get separated due to the mess we created.
Partly because of my parents.
What THE phuck larhs!!
I'm annoyed..

I'm under going counselling too.
People say I need it.
Do I?
Think not barhs?!
Counselling helps nothing.
It just adds stress to me.

Haiz, life's never been fair too.
My group members are giving me problems.
Marcus didn't do a good job for the design.
He also left out alot.
I have to do the job.
Haiz. I'm a leader, the responsibilty is mine.
My job is to manage the group,
BUT NOT DOING THEIR JOBS!!

Hmms, well, my professionalism will not be degraded.
I will do what I can..

I'm missing you lots..

2007-11-02T17:26:00.001+08:00

I know I keep changing my blog stuff.
I did a mistake in deleting the template codes accidentally.
Haiz. I redid the thing and now, it's so damn dead.

I don't know what had gone to me.
I kept thinking of him.
Guess I'm too missing him..

My mother keep pressing me to do house work.
She knows that I hated that alot.
I prefer doing IT work and my own STUFF!

I'm thinking of when I can leave the house.
I really want to leave on my own,
where freedom is so unlimited.

My post ends here! Hahas!~ Thanks for reading it.

Hubby, I'm missing you so much.
I kept thinking of you.
Images of us being together flashes back.
Haiz.. I really enjoy the feeling though..
Hahas!~ =')